Bladder adventures

A day in the life…for now at least

Awoke at 6:10. Laid in bed for a while. It was warm but empty. I thought about times when it wasn’t empty. The house was cold, the floors were cold, my brain was cold. Though there was a blooming bright line of rosy orange arising over the trees toward the east, it was a cold fire. Shrugging off the warm bed clothes I went to the kitchen, put some water in the kettle for coffee, set it on the stove, turned on the flame and then headed for the bathroom. Images abound in my head: I am a pinkish sack of yellow fluid waiting to be drained, an old wine cask that needs to be flushed, and old tree needing to be tapped. And like trees of whatever age, the sap is always running.

Conditions being what they are at the moment, i. e., my prostate having blossomed to a size large enough to block my bladder, I am compelled to push a plastic tube up my penis. All the way up. Like praying to Allah, I will repeat this activity five times each and every day for a while. Though I don’t face east towards Mecca, like a faithful pilgrim I am striving for salvation, relief from internal pressures and the soothing balm of release. “Magic 3: Please deliver me over.”

I have found it is best to make the catheterization a ritual. That way my mind and my body are composed and calm. Here’s the set up of the bathroom and its contents: There is a wide sliding wooden pocket door to the room, which was originally designed for someone with ALS. The floor is tiled, small squares with pastel colors, there is a railing next to the toilet, and there is one in the shower as well. You could roll right into the shower if you were on a wheelchair. So far I am still walking. As I enter the bathroom, there is a cube shaped basket on the right. It’s where I will sit for the catheterization ritual. It is about 18” wide, 14” deep and 15“ high. There is a towel-covered, 3”inch thick piece of foam inset into its top. It’s a welcoming soft green color. There is a pull-out drawer beneath this which holds extra towels and wash cloths. It's quite comfortable an commodious. The catheters are three or four steps across the room on a similar cube basket next to the bathroom sink. In their box they look like a bouquet of thin grey snakes. 

The devices that have been prescribed for me are “Magic 3, intermittent catheters with Sure-Grip™.” This latter little gismo is merely a funnel shaped, green plastic thingy that slides over the shaft of the catheter. It has some sort of markings and or sticky materials on its insides that allow it to clasp firmly to the catheter tube. The “Magic 3” is made in the USA by the Rochester Medical Corporation of Stewartville, Minnesota. While I can’t exactly say that I love these catheters, I sure am grateful for them. They are made of hydrophilic coated silicone and the ones I use have a “coude” tip. This feature allows the catheter to ease more smoothly past my puffed up prostate. The whole thing is 16” long and is 4.7 mm in diameter. Looking at it, it is hard to imagine pushing something that long up my dick, but, I can and I do. Each catheter comes in its own individual package like a Slim Jim. There is a 2”-long silver lozenge-shaped envelope of sterile water in each package that must be squished open before using the catheter. It lubricates the whole thing.

It looks like this. 

the "Magic 3"

Here’s the procedure: I grab a catheter pack, an alcohol swab, a plastic portable urine bottle with handy gradations marks on the side like a measuring cup, and a towel. I set the catheter and the swab pack on the cube-shaped basket seat. Before I sit down I loosen my belt, lower my jeans and my underwear, boxers of course. BTW: some shade of blue is the dominant color. Next I sit and settle in. It is important to sit with your nut sack dangling over the edge of the seat. This keeps the testes out of the way and makes the penis more freely accessible. Of course the nut sack will only dangle if the room temperature is above at least 62. If it isn’t the scrotum will pull toward the body and the nuts will clump. Only happened once, but that was enuf. I think we keep the house too cold. Next I push down the clothing rumpled between my ankles to make a little “pocket”. I lay the towel over this and tamp it down too. Then I nestle the urine collecting bottle in the pocket, aiming the slightly crooked, gaping open neck towards me. An image of hungry baby birds flashes across my mind. Next I open the swab pack, remove the alcohol soaked fabric and clean off the end of my penis. Though I know full well where its been, I don’t want any opportunistic microbes carried up the urethra by catheter and setting up housekeeping in my urinary tract. I set the swab aside. Next I pick up the catheter package and, before opening it, squeeze the foil envelope of sterile water inside until it bursts. I tip the catheter pack  back and forth a couple of times to spread the water along the shaft. Now it’s time to separate the flaps at the end of the pack and peel them apart. This exposes the green Sure Grip ™ which I pinch between the fingers of my right hand. With my left hand fingers I pull down one flap exposing more of the catheter. Keeping a firm grip on the Grip with my right hand I pull the catheter from its sheath of plastic, tugging the sheath down with my left hand. I do all of this with a methodical pace. I learned from one night’s rushed attempt that being deliberate and relatively slow is the way to go. That night I lost my hold on the Grip and in some spasmodic gesture that I still can’t figure out, the entire catheter squirted out of the sheath as the Grip flew off in another direction and landed somewhere else… under a shoe I later found it. The catheter itself dropped and flopped once on the rug like an exhausted, limp eel.

After I have pulled the Grip down to a point about 6 or so inches from the end and peeled back the flap some, I pull the whole catheter out. Now its insertion time. At this point it is essential that the coude tip, which is canted at a slight angle, is pointed upward at my nose. If the tip is tilted down or angled to one side or the other the catheter will not only not go into the urethra smoothly, when it reaches the prostate it will cause a sharp pain and probably scrap the prostate enough to cause it to bleed. This has happened a couple of times during my efforts and it is always unsettling….pain and blood are not results you want from this procedure. I adjust the angle with my left hand.

I insert the catheter, slowly, a couple of inches or so at a time, pushing with my right hand. The oddness of the sensation of an object, even a slender, slippery one sliding up inside the penis never quite goes away. When I reach the prostate there is a sudden resistance and a twinge of pain. This is the only tricky bit. It always takes a little effort to get the tip of the catheter past the prostate and on up into the bladder. If the angle is off on the catheter it will not move and will even resist going on up into the bladder. But once it is in the bladder, the urine begins to flow. At this point I put the open end of the catheter into the plastic container and wait for the piss to stop. It doesn’t come in a gush but in a steady yellow stream. It makes soft splattering and dripping sounds. A joyful noise actually, that I have come to welcome. After some seconds, the time varies depending on the amount of urine in the bladder, it suddenly stops as though a spigot had been turned off. Using the Grip I slowly pull the catheter out until it is free of the penis. Pulling it out quickly is uncomfortable and certainly unnecessary. Every step done slowly and deliberately will ensure a smooth and successful draining. With my left hand I remove the container from its place between my ankles and set it aside. Holding the used catheter in my right hand I walk it over to the trash and put it in a plastic bag together with the other discarded materials, the sheath and the alcohol swab. Tidying up done, I pull up my shorts, tuck down my shirt, pull up my jeans and buckle my belt. Ever the naturalist, I then note in my iPhone the time of the catheterization and the amount of urine I have collected. Soon I will be saving it to make fertilizer for this year’s seedlings, but not quite yet. 

So it is ta ta for now. My ablutions and my ablations done, I’m now ready to stomp out into the world. I’ll be sitting there again in a few short hours, facing south, day or night. I have once again been delivered. Amen.